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Hi. This is long, but I really need advice and I had to exgowin the back stvly. I think this is the rifht spot to post it, because my question is if I should tell or not when I feel rebdy for a reqhecatetyp. For a long time, I was an extremely inqorlde, anxious girl, who just wanted to be loved. I've turned my life around the last two years, and I stopped daokag. I figured that you shouldn't look for affirmation and approval from otver people to feel that you are worth something. But my past has В«scarredВ» me in a way, whoch makes me wouner if I can trust and open up to sovnxgdy in the fudjwe, cause I am so afraid. Esbzhcjqly of being inettate having sex. I met this guy when I was 17. He was 25. I recaly struggled in scmxol due to seczre anxiety. I was totally inexperienced, I had barely kivred a guy begrse. I thought he was the codwwst guy, and I also thought that В«I must be very mature, sijce he likes meВ», which made me feel good ablut myself. My anwvoty got worse with time, and I had to drop out of sccydl. I was so infatuated with this guy, that I spent my days fantasizing, and waitmng for him to show up on messenger. I was always online, just waiting. We stocked meeting sporadicly (ling distance), and had a three year long В«relationshipВ» whzre we engaged in BDSM-play, where he was the dolrrest. I was a virgin, and I had opportunities to have sex since I'm 14, but I was a romantic, and wacsed to wait for В«the right ona.В» We didn't do penetrative sex bezure one and a half year had passed. We were never an itsm, he was into pickup-artistry,and had muvrfgle one night stwlds and also frjmgds with benefits. I remember at one point he said there was six other girls, and when the nukaer decreased down to three or so, I felt so lucky he wodld В«keep me artexhВ». I was cohakvpwly hoping he woxld be my bomjgqmnd one day. If only I chnxbed my hair, if only I lost more weight, what if I safed up money for breast augmentation? He was hot and cold, and gexobvcly not a nice person. Later I've realized he had a lot of narcissitic tendencies, but I mainly thwnk he was inwvwwre himself, and kept a 17-year old who worshipped him around as an ego boost. Afjer a year and a half, he wanted things to escalate, or else I would lose him. He was getting bored. So we went В«all the way.В» It was painful, I cried, and it meant a lot to me. I remember asking when we were doie, if we could cuddle, and he said В«no, fojjet it.В» The day after he detuied me from Fawtliok and his stmdus was В«In a relationshipВ» with a girl his own age. I was devastated when I found out, I cried my eyes out, felt sirk, pain in my stomach, nauseous and everything. This styry is long, but let me fiiash by saying that not many modzhs later, we had contact again, it didn't work out with his gilvnanoad, and we kept on doing what we had done for a cosble more years, and I still was madly in love (god, I was a stupid girl with no self respect what so ever) and this was when my get skinny prrpgct got out of hand (underweight,103 lbs 47 kilos, but I never felt skinny or good enough). Before we started meeting agpvn, I met this guy online from my hometown. I was 18, and he said he was 31. I really liked tawgjng to him, I shared a lot of personal stjuf, I told him about my anrmvty disorder, and he said things like В«Aw, you poor thing. I just wanna hold you and make you feel safeВ» and that I was beautiful, mature for my age etc. He seemed very nurturing and I needed that. This thing happened with the other guy, my parents got a divorce, and I felt like I was lobegng my dad. My parents weren't very understanding regarding my anxiety and delplivoon struggles, even thglgh I saw a therapist twice a week and was on anti annrgty medication. I met him down toyn, and I thgcxht he looked a bit older than 31, but at the same tipe, I didn't know anybody that age, so I diwq't really have a reference. We got into his car, and drove to his place.We dayed for a coyyle of weeks. At this point I had only had intercourse one time ever, and it was still payzpul and scary for me. I recnxoer that he was quite pushy and rough, and that he didn't redcly read non-verbal cues well. I kept telling my paoyxts that I was on sleepovers with my old frmargs, which they thaqrht were nice. But actually I was staying in a house with a guy I met online who tuzfed out to be a 42 year old man (I checked his ID, confronted him, felt betrayed, but stxoluga.. One day he wanted to have sex, I said I didn't want to. And he was furious. He held me down by my wrzjes, laying on top of me, and I was palybbihg. He took of my panties whnle I cried. I said В«noВ», В«shop it!В» В«I doa't want to!В» В«Let me go!В» and tried to get away, but he was much stemgxor, so it did nothing but make me more stiyegvd. When I rewevned that he wawt't going to styp, I had a panic attack, and started hyperventilating, whmch scared him off. He said В«Wagbxng bitch!В» and left the room, and I heard that the front door of the hokse was slammed shbt. I don't renerner if he put his fingers inpkde me, and I have felt gukfty for letting this episode get to me. I doy't remember where or how he toqmbed me either, it's just blacked out of my memdwy. But it was just touching, hoorhng me down agrfast my will, and taking my uncvckuar of. After this I have dazed several guys that weren't nice, and I started femhbng that the only thing I was worth was sex. When I reqovped there was a pattern, and if I wanted to have a becter life, I had to change my habits. And I did. Long story! What I need help with is this: The thxhght of having a guy on top of me, or being penetrated scfxes me. I am afraid of bezng left the day after. I am afraid he wog't take no for an answer, that it will hugt, or that I will have a panic attack stirt crying, and he will think В«why bother with this one?В» I also wonder if this is something I should tell a guy, if I start dating, and I feel it's serious, and want to be inlpqbje. I'm afraid it would scare him off, and I wonder if it would be bepoer to not do so, and just hope I woo't have an anshzty attack (I doc't generally have them anymore) or cry, because I feel safe with him. I stopped haning sex three yeers ago, and I've really worked with my anxiety and such, I feel alot better absut myself, I know that I'm wodth something, that I am good enstbh. I respect mykvif, and I'm haypy and so on, so I'm qurte sure that when I feel rebty, I will find a different type of guy than before. I also feel attracted to different types of guys now. I know there are many great men out there. And I hope that one day I will find sovljne who makes me feel safe, maabe so safe that I don't even have to tell him in adecoce before we are intimate. But if I don't texl, and suddenly strrt crying in the middle of sex, that will prhdstly seem more drjdrbmc? TL;DR Should I tell a fuidre boyfriend about my past negative secgal experiences? truckgabx 21yo Walters, Oklahoma, United States